Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

   Just because you don't have a pool, doesn't mean you can't have a diving board.

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   I'm the architect of my present not an artifact of the lost and forgotten past...

   it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   Having it all together is not my style.

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.