Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.

   Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.

   If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.

   Were you a kid who stirred their ice cream with a spoon until it was soup, or were you normal?

   Better not be in here spreading truth. ~ Zuckerberg

   Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.

   When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.

   ...wildly disproportionate accountability for trvial transgressions...zero accountability for profound institutional failure...

   The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is 19 good guys with guns 78 minutes after they should have intervened.

   Last month people were marching to arm citizens in Europe. Last week people were marching to kill babies with abortion. Now people are marching to take guns away to save children. Can you please make up your minds?

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   More accurate names for what’s being called “fact” check. Semantics check, agenda check, narrative check.

   Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free. The same thing happens with leftists.

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid to live on my knees ruled by lesser men who control the destiny of our children.

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.

   “Goats are like ducks, if you shoot a duck, I’m scared of toasters, c’mon man.” ~ Joe Biden

   Triggered! Go dip your head in some radical raspberry Kool aid and have a cookie. Oh, and logout… your mum will be home soon.

   If you die and get cremated you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.