Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   You know you're awesome when you know you're awesome.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.

   Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.

   I cannot be held responsible for anything you may have told me before I had my coffee.

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   All I needed was the kit but they made me buy the whole kaboodle.

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   I'm a mess. Not in the "beautiful mess" way. In the "you dropped an omelette all over the floor then stepped in it" way.