Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1505 of 6452

People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!
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10-03-2015 10:07 by flinnie
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If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.
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10-03-2015 10:04 by flinnie
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I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me
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10-03-2015 09:35 by huck
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So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"

FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...
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10-03-2015 09:09 by Steve OH
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Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?
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10-03-2015 08:45
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I cuddle on the first date.
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10-03-2015 07:58
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Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."
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10-03-2015 07:40 by Czovczov
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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10-03-2015 01:48
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I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
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10-03-2015 01:47
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*First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"
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10-03-2015 01:45
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*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family Where's my phone?
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10-03-2015 01:42
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My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
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10-03-2015 01:39
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I give to charity, I don't recycle my aluminum cans and just throw them in the garbage. Not one homeless person in my area.
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10-03-2015 01:03
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