Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”

   Holy s$it Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?

   I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.

   Friend: Do you want to go to a strip club? Me: Maybe. Do they have Wi-Fi?

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids

   It amazes me when doctors call their mistakes practice.

   Hey, did you know that Bruce...."He goes by Caitlyn now."... Ugh,,, fine. Did you know that Caitlyn Wayne is Batman?

   Chance of being the correct response when she asks "Notice anything different?" Hair 30% New shoes 25% Lost weight 20% Transitioning 3%..

   When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer...

   If the girl at this fast food drive-thru really wanted to help me she’d tell me why my dad left.

   I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.

   If you need me, I'd be surprised.

   Want to keep your man from cheating on you, give him more BJs and make him more sandwiches and reduce nagging by 100%

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorced. He spend 27 years in south african prison getting tortured and beaten everyday for 27 years straight. He got out of jail, was 6 months with wife, and said "i cant take this s#it"

   In Hell, everybody you meet explains how they found Jesus.

   I bet if you look at my cells under a microscope they all have little frowny faces.

   I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.