Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1505 of 6384
emotional agony is a drug for some and they are forever in search of their dealer
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06-24-2015 13:41
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*Uses selfie stick to push your baby away*
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06-24-2015 13:40
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Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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06-24-2015 13:37
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I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.
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06-24-2015 13:35
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When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"
I've met 10 people from my Facebook and only 7 of them tried to kill me or stick things in my butt
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06-24-2015 13:28
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Experience has taught me some pretty valuable lessons... Mainly, to always carry hush money.
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06-24-2015 13:22
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Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?
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06-24-2015 12:00
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I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.
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06-24-2015 11:58
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Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..
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06-24-2015 11:56
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My cat likes to scratch on a wicker chair. She likely thinks it's her guitar. I sing along because I don't want her to feel stupid.
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06-24-2015 11:55
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I'm taking my two beautiful children to Disney World. I'm leaving the two ugly ones at home.
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06-24-2015 11:51
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I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.
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06-24-2015 11:51
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I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.
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06-24-2015 11:37
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Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.
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06-24-2015 11:34
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I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.
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06-24-2015 10:25
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Religion is only 4000 years old and based on where you live. The world is billions of years old.
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06-24-2015 08:11
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Religion - the undeniably moronic belief that ancient horticulturists and sheep farmers knew more about the origins and workings of our universe than modern-day man could ever, even with all his scientific advancements.
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06-24-2015 06:06
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Love means never having to say you're happy.
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06-23-2015 18:39
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i think facebook just set a record for the longest period of time that they haven't changed anything around on us.
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06-23-2015 16:03
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