Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1505 of 6453

Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!

What's it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it's only for booze?
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10-03-2015 13:04
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My favorite part of sex is right at the beginning when you lift up the tail.
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10-03-2015 12:51
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"Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.
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10-03-2015 12:46
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People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!
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10-03-2015 10:07 by flinnie
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If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.
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10-03-2015 10:04 by flinnie
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I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me
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10-03-2015 09:35 by huck
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So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"

FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...
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10-03-2015 09:09 by Steve OH
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Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?
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10-03-2015 08:45
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I cuddle on the first date.
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10-03-2015 07:58
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Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."
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10-03-2015 07:40 by Czovczov
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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10-03-2015 01:48
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I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
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10-03-2015 01:47
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