Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   You know that garbage can right next to Oscar the Grouch's garbage can? That's where he takes the ladies.

   Hey are you stalking me? I'm so tired of hot women following me around all day, it gets annoying.

   It's tough to be such a sex symbol.

   Two billion years of evolution and that's what you come up with?

   Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

   Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

   Still trying to figure out who defriended me...

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet.

   I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

   No one can ruin your day without your permission.

   Why does Samsung think I want a TV that can update my Facebook status?

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   The worst things in life are also free.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   If all of your Facebook pictures are tiny, people think you're retarded.

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."