doc noland Funny Status Messages

   My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   I know its early, but I wanna sneak off to the bar

   wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers?

   indecisive and thoroughly confused, the replacement refs ordered a diet mtn. coke.

   got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.

   BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   Self esteem doesn't come from a bottle. Of course not, you pour it into a glass.

   Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.

   She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   If you can't be with the one you love, throw yourself into oncoming traffic

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.