Jake Funny Status Messages

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   If April showers bring may flowers. What does mayflowers bring? Pilgrims

   The smog is so bad in my city that in the mornig the birds wake me by coughing in stead chirping.

   Being a human cannibal is the only job where you can be fired evey day and still keep your job :)

   After a night of passion, I told my new girlfriend that she was the frist one I've ever been with. She smiled and said really? I said yea, the other's were sevens and eights. :)

   The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   How can fish get high? With seaweed.