GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

   Marriage tip: When you're away from your wife for a night, ignore all of her phone calls. This will cause her to miss you more while you're gone so that she'll love you more when you're home.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, keep your husband on his toes by randomly asking him "Are you listening to me?" That way you always have his full attention.

   Marriage tip: Women are naturally bad drivers. So, never ever let your wife drive the car. You, as the alpha Male of your household, should stay in the driver's seat and take your family where they need to go safely.

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   So I got an special announcement to share with you all. I am running for president!!! Like we can't screw up this country enough. #gary2024

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   I'm currently in the process of getting my groove back. Please standby!

   Oh, you want a free college education? Please tell me how serious you took your free high school education.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.