GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.