Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   "I wanted to watch football on NBC but this figure skating they're showing is cool too". --said no one ever

   FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark

   Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!

   When someone doesn't like the taste of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States.

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.

   Auditioning for Animal Planet's new series, "I Shouldn't Be Awake."

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   I want Liam Neeson to star in a remake of "Breakin' "

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

   There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.