Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   I'm the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep.

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   Why when your car breaks down and you push it to the side of the road, does someone ask "is your car broke down?" "NO, I decided to take it for a walk."

   Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

   I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

   The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.

   When I “rage against the machine” the machine is usually a printer.

   I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!