Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   "She's gone too far"... "She crossed the line between science & ethics"... "She's playing God"... *reaction to the amount of cheese my mom puts in an omelet

   Thanks to #AmazonPrimeDays I know what it feels like to be catfished.

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...

   It took 3 amigos and a Mexican village to take care of El Guapo...Donald Trump has zero Amigos, advantage El Chapo!

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

   A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

   Can't wait for the storage wars episode where they find dead bodies,,,

   Pro Tip.... No Man has ever won a game of "NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?"

   I once dated a girl who didn't need me to open jars for her. It was pretty convenient but the handjobs were crippling.

   Costco Because married people deserve to go on dates too.

   Driving to Starbucks without having had coffee first, driving while impaired. Same thing really.

   Coworker: I saw you at Starbucks this morning but didn't say hi Me: Thanks

   My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

   Someday, I'll be as rich as the Clinton's were when they said they were broke.