Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   The big bag of Halloween candy has already been opened. The outcome does not look good for trick or treaters on Sunday.

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   There had to have been some kind of break through in the pumpkin sciences this year because everything at the store has pumpkin in it!

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.

   I figured out why I don't go out drinking much anymore... result being tagged in embarrassing photos on Facebook!

   The Walkman is offically dead. We had some good times in the 80's, and early 90's. You're in a better place now. RIP

   May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.