Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who's relaxing I could just kick back with and take a load off with when I'm feeling a little weary, Someone who comforting and oh wait, I think I'm describing my lazy boy recliner.

   Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?-Mr.President.

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening tools, Its called beeches and hoes..

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.

   A Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.

   Do to budget cuts at Al Qaeda, They will be Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins...

   Sometimes I like to stick a band aid on the middle of my forehead and when somebody asks what happened I tell them I got shot.

   My dong was in the Guinness Book of work Records. But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

   For the immediate future I think we should show Coffee some respect and stop calling it a "Cup of Joe."

   When I think of you I touch myself meaning I rub my temples because you give me a headache.

   Things were much better on the tweeting Trump Train than they are on the sinking Biden Boat.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   They had a distribution plan for crack pipes, but not for baby formula.

   Woman have so much evil in their blood that God drains it once a month.

   Your nudes won’t impress me…. Change my mind.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.