Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   There are no winners in life... only survivors.

   Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Halloween isn't really that different than any other day... everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.