Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I can stay in my present bad mood until the end of America's presidential election; that way, I can decide who is the better candidate.

   These days I think it would be more shocking if Bert and Ernie had split.

   Kermit isn't getting porked tonight.

   Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

   It's been a exhausting day pretending that I worked so hard.

   looks like Kermit the frog won't be "bringing home the bacon" anymore...

   How sad Amy Schumer broke up with Kermit the frog.

   A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless".

   "If olive oil comes from crushing olives, does baby oil come from Planed Parenthood?

   As far as being a white man, this is the worse century to be born in. Our kids will be slaves in the next 100 years.

   This world is getting so uptight!!... Buck Owens once had a tiger by the tail and nobody batted an eye!!

   "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

   To the high school counselor who told me I'd never amount to anything: spot on, dude. You, sir, are a psychic.

   I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

   Go on Christian Mingle ONE TIME, and they have to perform an exorcism on the whole site?

   Cougars should be called eager beavers.

   Welcome to Killadellphia, no if ands or Bots!

   R.I.P to any girl that looks at Ronda Rousey's man the wrong way

   It's been an exhausting day of pretending I'm a pleasant person.

   R.I.P to any guy that ever cheats on Ronda Rousey