Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.

   ***LATEST SOCIAL MEDIA GAME~~~ Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number (be sure to give me the expiration date and 3 digit security code) and I will post in my status which bill or Christmas gift I used it for. Let's play!!!

   I know why blacks are always angry....you would be too if you had to go through life with a wad of pubic hair on top of your head.

   Kudos to all the GOP Presidential candidates for their 2 days of silence regarding the shooting victims

   Heavy D: Now that we found love, what are we gonna do with it? Scientist: Containment protocol, we can't have everybody catching feelings.

   On a scale of Bruno Mars to Wesley Snipes, how dark do you want your coffee?

   Cocaine so white, it quietly forms a single file line.

   White folks dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

   Don't take life laying down. That is, unless you're a prostitute. . .

   English: even when they had guns, the still preferred to smash the sh1t out your face in a fair fight.

   Don't worry white folks; the rhythm is never going to get you. You're safe.

   I must have been involved in some filthy debauchery last night, because when I woke up the Jesus statue in my bedroom was facing the wall.

   my science teacher said living things are made up of cells so why don't we call our lovers our "cell mates"?

   Let's have a ''Bring Your Gun'' on Black Friday and see the diffrence it makes.

   Religion and guns don't kill people, humans do. Get rid of both and you have solved 75% of the problem.

   Good guys with guns are all over the place. because they are to insecure to take matters into their own hands.

   campfire]And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

   You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.

   "When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?" No parents want their children to be terrorist.

   I finally stopped believing. Journey is going to be so pissed at me.