Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

   Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   With high gas prices don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers paying for their own gas or go get it yourself.

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.

   If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

   The dating pool nowadays could use a little chlorine.

   History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..” You mean like NOW?

   Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws, laying asphalt, or driving semi trucks and not laughing, swimming and dancing?

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   Her: go deeper. Him: cereal is breakfast soup. Her: please don’t stop.

   Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.