Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   At this point the only other thing Trump could possibly say to anger anymore people is if he said he hated doughnuts.

   Don't ever Under any circumstance Call me by my Government name in public.

   i'm so unlucky,,, if I fell in a bucket of t!t'$ ,,,, i'd come out sucking my thumb!

   Marry a woman who can cook. Anyone can scr3w but a good cook is hard to find.

   What you never hear if you live in Santa Clarita.."I'll be back in a few minutes"

   My GPS says "Estimated time of Arrival." I see "Time to Beat." Game on.

   POF should change its name to POS

   Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   Back in the day 8 bullets couldn't kill a brotha ... Now it takes 16... #thanks50cents

   Just landed my dream job of "before" picture!!!

   Women are always right...even the left handed ones.

   When people ask why do I NEED a 30-round magazine for my gun, I say "Why did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus?" Because she had a right to do so. That's why.

   Someone needs to invent a filter that blocks ALL content if it contains certain words: my three words would be: Kardashian, candidate, Bieber.

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected...and you should have to answer a simple math question...and be required to name the Vice President. There...THAT should solve THAT problem.

   Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.

   Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...

   Have as much sex as possible while you're still single. You can abstain when you get married.

   Nothing says I hate you like giving someone a selfie stick as a birthday present.