Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my new years resolution is 800 x 600

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   Commercials: Now brought to you with limited football interruption.

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   The owner of this bar is arguing with me that Mourinho is a better manager than Wenger. I just had to remind him that "the customer is always right Sir"

   Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

   My family thinks on New Years Day that Black Eyed Peas matter....Had to remind them that ALL peas matter.

   Eat a whole pizza and people say, whoa you were hungry! Eat a whole cake and people say, dude you've got a problem!

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars

   You carry yourself like someone with a much higher credit rating.

   Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?

   I wish my wife's milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

   Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

   I'm amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I'm still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!

   Still waiting for my wife to tell me what my 2016 resolution is going to be.

   Hey New Years Rockin Eve.... WHERE"S THE ROCK????

   Last New Years I resolved to lose five pounds...I only have ten to go...

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   Relationship or hallucination? I don't care. Either way, I'm seeing somebody.