Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   "Lol" is not a message worth replying to.

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.