Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even? thanks

   An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested in New Jersey over the weekend. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

   there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing by not sounding fat?

   Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

   The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

   Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

   PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

   Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

   coworker suggested I drink fewer than six energy drinks so I tossed him through the break room like a discus

   I'm so single, I'm chasing myself around the house playing hard to get!!!

   My new SUV has a button " rear wiper"..I'm afraid to push it.....

   Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families.

   Dang, I hope that wasn't something we needed... (me vacuuming the bedroom)

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids... jest sayin

   there hasnt been a status with more upvotes then downvotes since 8-18 aka 75 days ago

   Saw this kid dressed as Dracula so I played along and stabbed him with a wooden stake, his mom was not happy

   Tonight I'm Invisible Man for Halloween, as in you won't see me at any of your parties.

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July. 🤔

   I saw this kid dressed as Batman. He was walking around with his alive parents. What a poser.

   Dear Autocorrect: It's never "duck." It is NEVER "duck."