Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sent my Family Tree into ancestry.com. They sent me back a package of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   Mary had a bearded clam-Her pubes were white as snow-And everywhere that Mary went-She'd give the boys a show.

   Top questions you should ask seller of car. How much do you want for? How much gas is in it?🤪

   I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god!!!!!!!!!!!

   If the "Why does the lgbt get a month, but veterans get a day" people actually cared for the military theyd know the military gets multiple days and months, also they would mention "why does the military get one day"? during any other month

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   “We just want to be treated like normal people,” says the Drag Queen twerking in front of a bunch of toddlers.

   Teacher: “And, that concludes our lesson on the Bill of Rights, any questions?” Student: So, like, none of that counts if I’m scared, right?

   Native Indians: “Turn in your firearms, they will protect you.”

   I went to a job interview the other day , Lady said She had 3 openings, I said I know .. still waiting for the call.

   Was up all night again trying to figure out how I would describe Yahtzee to a deaf person without using the jerk-off motion.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   Of course God knows about the bad things that happen. But, unlike lefticles, he has to be invited to intervene in your life.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.