Funny Status Messages
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Old man Bernie Sanders looks like that guy down the block driving around luring kids in with promises of free candy... 
Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.
Okay, I'm just going to admit it. I'm kinda disappointed this "Friends Day" video that everyone is posting has absolutely nothing to do with Jennifer Aniston. #mycelebritycrush
I want a girl that likes long romantic walks. Because I don't have a car.
Thank you Facebook for the friends day video I just deleted 99% of my Facebook "so called friends"
[restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater
ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.
DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°
Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.
Nobody remembers who came in second. Bernie who.....?
Bernie Sanders Drinking Game: Every time Bernie mentions a free government program you drink someone else's beer.
"No one remembers who came in second, only losers" - 2013 Tweet from Donald Trump
In 15 years' time a girl with a Brazilian won't mean a neatly trimmed vag, it'll be a head shaped like a rugby ball.
If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?
You've been in a good mood three days in a row? Teach me this sorcery.
Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.
If I drank decaf coffee I'd be one of those girls that doesn't swallow, too.
Nothing says ego trip like knowing you're completely unqualified yet still running for president.
You had me at let's get something to eat..
"My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed 