Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Some things time cannot erase. That's why alcohol exists.

   When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being awesome at everything."

   You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don't go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.