Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I turned off the tv; what was the point of watching one boring moth-er-fucker after another one.

   Girls are always hollar'n "I'm sick of thirsty guys!" Not all of us a thristy. Some of us are hungry........so make me a sammich.....

   When I get an unlike under my stuff, I assume people’d had laughed so hard that had pressed the unlike button accidentally.

   So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?

   i love how men mock women for being overemotional and then lose their sh1t over a team losing an over-glorified game of fetch

   If you friendzone me, help me bang your other friends then. Bestie

   Breaking News : The Army has been in contact with Tom Brady for advice on how to deflate the lost blimp.

   So, as far as that blimp breaking free from its cable today... The cable must have come from Comcast! Comcast Cable never works!

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart or at taco bell.

   Why doesn't money have braille on it?

   She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.

   Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your leg.

   For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.

   If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it from a bar.

   Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve.

   You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.

   So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??

   My wife ended up with a broken nose and a black eye today because she wouldn't listen to me. I said, "Honey! Look out for that lamppost!"

   If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.

   Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.