Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1416 of 6446

If Donald Trump shot himself would his poll numbers shoot up?
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01-29-2016 00:29
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[dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...
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01-28-2016 18:00 by snotty
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[working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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01-28-2016 17:49 by snotty
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
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01-28-2016 17:46 by snotty
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[Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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01-28-2016 17:44 by snotty
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*date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
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01-28-2016 17:35 by snotty
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Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.
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01-28-2016 16:07
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Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?
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01-28-2016 16:00 by snotty
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Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
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01-28-2016 12:38
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So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
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01-28-2016 12:31
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The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.
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01-28-2016 11:45
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Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.
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01-28-2016 11:07
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I started a Hotcake business but they aren’t selling. FML.
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01-28-2016 11:03
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I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.
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01-28-2016 11:01
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Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???
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01-28-2016 09:47 by snotty
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Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.
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01-28-2016 09:40
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Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*
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01-28-2016 09:38 by snotty
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Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
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01-28-2016 08:50 by snotty
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Good Better Best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better. and your better best.
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01-28-2016 05:49
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if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you
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01-28-2016 05:19
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