Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If Donald Trump shot himself would his poll numbers shoot up?
←Rate | 01-29-2016 00:29 Comments (1)  


   messageicon [dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...
←Rate | 01-28-2016 18:00 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon [working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
←Rate | 01-28-2016 17:49 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
←Rate | 01-28-2016 17:46 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon [Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
←Rate | 01-28-2016 17:44 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 17:35 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 16:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?
←Rate | 01-28-2016 16:00 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 12:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I started a Hotcake business but they aren’t selling. FML.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 11:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???
←Rate | 01-28-2016 09:47 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*
←Rate | 01-28-2016 09:38 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
←Rate | 01-28-2016 08:50 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Good Better Best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better. and your better best.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 05:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you
←Rate | 01-28-2016 05:19 Comments (0)  




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