Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday I really wanted a burrito. Today I am eating a burrito. Follow your f*cking dreams.

   Superbowl Party Eating Tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.

   Cute but Psycho: That is a funny way to spell "woman".

   Restrooms in the future: 1. Men 2. Women 3. Selfies

   Remember when you were 12 and were like "I can't wait to be older" and now you're older and your like "I hate my life, I want to cry everyday." LOL. Good times.

   Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they're special.

   Girl Guides selling cookies: America's most successful crack dealers.

   I want dogs to be allowed at more places and I want children under 8 to not be.

   "Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".

   A blue whale's fart bubbles are large enough to enclose a horse. Yeah...think about that for a moment.

   I work hard so my dog can have a better life.

   Do you ever hear a song on your car radio and think "I better not die listening to this song"?

   You may have been drunk before, but you haven't been lightsaber fighting in the street at 2 am drunk.

   Facebook needs a special button for those who are sick of cartoonists making fun of short T-Rex arms.

   How does Ted Cruz always look both happy and sad? "I like lasagna but it's not what I ordered", his face says.

   A new sandwich at Mcdonald's called the McBernie. When you order that, the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   My wife's snoring was so bad, I woke up and thought my buddies came over on their Harleys.

   I don't mind when people exercise their right to free speech, but I'd prefer they'd exercise their right to remain silent.

   Did you know that Donald Trump likes Justin Bieber...

   Are you having a mental relationship with a celebrity who doesn't even know you exist?