Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   Dogs may have an incredible sense of smell, but they have a terrible sense of whether that smell is good or bad.

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   I'm so glad my car has that alarm for when I don't have my seatbelt on that reminds me to turn my radio up.

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   An awkward morning beats a boring night.