Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1409 of 6446

They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.
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02-06-2016 07:32 by snotty
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Admit it, you don't call Gatorade by it's flavors, you call it by it's colors.
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02-06-2016 04:40
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When you are dead you don't know that you're dead, but it's hard for the people around you. It's the same if you are stupid.
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02-06-2016 04:38
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Bacon Fact #11: Bacon is healthier than crystal meth.
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02-06-2016 04:35
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My life may be a mess but at least I know the difference between "your" and "you're".
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02-06-2016 04:34
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When I die I want my last words to be "Andy's coming quick act like a toy."
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02-06-2016 04:29
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Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.
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02-06-2016 04:27
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Shooting a bear doesn't make you a badass. Feeding a bear while her cub humps your leg makes you a f*cking badass!!!
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02-06-2016 04:25
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I didn't see a friend's day video of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, & Chandler
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02-06-2016 04:17 by Eddy
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When someone thanks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.
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02-06-2016 04:13
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This Valentines Day I want a girl who cares about her health, but not her sobriety. Like, she does yoga, but her water bottle is usually full of vodka.
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02-06-2016 04:09
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People should never judge Lance Armstrong for being on drugs in the Tour de France races, when other drug addicts have a harder time finding their own bike.
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02-06-2016 04:02
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Employers at job interviews: We're looking for someone age 22-26 with 30 years of experience.
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02-06-2016 01:43
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In a decade the economy will be like 23 trillionaires and everyone else will be taking turns giving Uber rides.
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02-06-2016 01:41
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Did you know the bathroom is where 99% of Instagram lurking is done...
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02-06-2016 01:37
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Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.
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02-06-2016 01:33
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It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth.
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02-06-2016 01:31
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"Growing Up With Siblings" means taking the TV remote into the kitchen while you get some food so that they don't change the channel.
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02-06-2016 01:29
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Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
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02-06-2016 01:26
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Nothing says, "My Balls are kept in a jar inside her purse", quite like a Joint Facebook Account.
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02-06-2016 01:23
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