Funny Status Messages

   For fun, I steal all my married friends phones and change my name to "Brandy from the club"....then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3 am.

   My ex girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter....

   My parents didn't ever actually teach me how to be an adult. The only things I learned were to hoard plastic bags within plastic bags and that whenever there is a person in your house you feed them.

   LIfe is simple. Be yourself. Find something you would die for. Be loyal to those who deserve it and tell the rest to go f*ck themselves.

   "The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.

   Shoutout to all the girls who are curled up in a ball in their bed waiting for that goodnight text. Go to sleep, cuz he doesn't love you....

   Only in America, where the Feds can't find a missing girl or a missing plane but they can find a little sack of weed between a black person's a$$.

   I am really into CrossFit. I cross my fingers and hope I can fit my a$$ in those jeans.

   Personally, I don't believe in Bros Before Hoes or Hoes Before Bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

   If you're happy with any of these buffoons running for President you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.

   Why is Dr. Ben Carson still in the Republican presidential race? We don't need a crazy brain surgeon as our next leader.

   Me: can I have a large? Starbucks employee: you mean a venti? Me: can we not fu$&ing do this

   ... Woke up this morning and found a lump on my breast ..... was relieved to find out it's not cancerious .... Just my boyfriend refusing to let go!

   what makes Trump a winner? He isn't Obama, isn't that enough for the rest of the world who had to suffer through 8 years of hell to celebrate?

   Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   "How about we take this to my bedroom"....I whispered to my snacks.

   I think my girlfriend might have a problem, I asked her to toast some bread for me. She said, "Here's to bread, may it always be in our stomachs" as she swigged another mouthful of wine.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I'm at the liquor store.

   If I owned a taser, I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself. That's why I don't have a taser.