Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1405 of 6446

I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....
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02-09-2016 23:54
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There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.
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02-09-2016 23:52
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I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.
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02-09-2016 23:50
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Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.
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02-09-2016 23:40
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I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.
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02-09-2016 23:37
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It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....
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02-09-2016 23:33
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I just heard that Bernie beat Hillary. This is getting out of hand! At least Donald Trump doesn't beat women!
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02-09-2016 22:49 by Vaterpop
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Looks like Hillary got Berned in New Hampshire.
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02-09-2016 20:45
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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02-09-2016 15:32 by snotty
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Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.
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02-09-2016 15:00
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I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
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02-09-2016 14:39
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Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
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02-09-2016 14:35
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My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
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02-09-2016 14:32
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It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.
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02-09-2016 14:09
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Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
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02-09-2016 14:02 by John Y
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Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich
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02-09-2016 10:50 by snotty
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Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.
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02-09-2016 10:42 by snotty
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Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?
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02-09-2016 10:07
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Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!
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02-09-2016 07:22
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Every time I change my mind, I always have parts left over. Who needs a medulla oblongata, anyway?
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02-09-2016 07:20
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