Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. Here's my number, I'm very lazy. Your dog resembles Patrick Swayze. Do you like daffodils? I'm craaazy

   Black Friday challenge: Buy American and buy small business. Otherwise you're complaining for nothing about big business.

   >>> Upset many will leave the home to go to a retail store where they can fight with complete strangers over unneeded and useless crap that our spoiled lives really didn't need in the first place.

   THANKSGIVING DAY = A day when you sit uncomfortably between two people on a long flight so you can sit uncomfortably between two people and eat a meal while people say negative things about each other and start a fight. >>>

   Jerod has been sentenced to 15 years of all the footlongs that we wants

   The suicide bomber was an outgoing person? More like an inside-out going person.

   I JUST HEARD THERE IS A COUGAR ON THE LOOSE IN TOWN. I just baited a trap with a Best of air supply cd and a bottle of wine.. I'll catch her

   There's way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.~ George Carlin

   You are a soul driving a meat-covered-skeleton made of stardust hurtling through space on an organic spaceship. Fear nothing.

   Any female singer not named Adele shouldn't spend a lot of time writing her Grammy acceptance speech...

   Jared fogle got 15 1/2 years in prison. Ironically, that's the same age he likes his woman.

   dont know who this lady ISIS is but she must be one crazy B ****

   Life is about what you do after the knock happens.

   If you lived in Mountain View CA you wouldn't need the internet you can just stop by Google and ask them questions in person.

   The deep freeze of winter has finally arrived. It's that time of year when most women and Bruce Jenner say thank God for padded bras.

   Refusing to accept refugees is not cold and heartless. I lock my doors every night; not because I hate the people on the outside but because I love the people on the inside.

   I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.

   *discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*

   Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.