Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.

   It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.

   Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.

   Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich

   Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.

   Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?

   Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!

   Every time I change my mind, I always have parts left over. Who needs a medulla oblongata, anyway?

   ... Finally made it to that great part of the relationship where I can now fart and drink beer on the couch and she only gives me a dirty look ..... instead of running out of the room screeming! Life is good :-)

   Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?

   Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.

   Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Cute Things To Call Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend On Valentines Day: 1. Sugar. 2. Honey. 3. Flour. 4. Egg. 5. 1/2lb Butter. 6. Stir. 7. Pour Into Pan. 8. Preheat To 350 Degrees.

   I'd like to give a shout out to Amy Winehouse, who's been drug free for nearly 5 years.

   Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.

   Just saw two construction workers sitting together and laughing. I know what they're building: Friendship.

   I bet it's super hard being a single Mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.