Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1404 of 6446

I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.
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02-10-2016 04:33
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My husband told me to pick up some oil, now I know how guys feel in the tampon aisle.
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02-10-2016 04:27
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Moms: I used to be cool and do cool things. Now I just argue with a smaller version of myself about how to use the toilet.
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02-10-2016 04:24
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Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.
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02-10-2016 00:24
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I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.
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02-10-2016 00:22
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Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.
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02-10-2016 00:19
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Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.
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02-10-2016 00:18
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List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....
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02-10-2016 00:16
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I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.
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02-10-2016 00:13
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Remember when you had an appointment and got to leave during the middle of school, it was so triumphant like "Haha bye you f*ckers, I'm going to get my teeth cleaned and then eat McDonalds. Where you at?!?!"...
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02-10-2016 00:08
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I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....
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02-10-2016 00:04
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Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.
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02-10-2016 00:02
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Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.
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02-09-2016 23:59
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1944: 18-year-olds storm beaches, jump from planes, charge into almost certain death. 2016: 18-year-olds need a safe place. Because words do hurt.
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02-09-2016 23:57
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I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....
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02-09-2016 23:54
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There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.
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02-09-2016 23:52
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I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.
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02-09-2016 23:50
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Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.
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02-09-2016 23:40
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I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.
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02-09-2016 23:37
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It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....
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02-09-2016 23:33
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