Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a grown-up is stupid....let's build a tree house and throw water balloons at people.

   Spent $300 at a steak house last night... today, my poop does not look any better.

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Kanye West is 53 million in debt...I heard Taylor Swift has started a go fu%# yourself account...

   Some people are so full of $h!t they should have flush handles instead of ears.

   The one thing about this group of presidential candidates that we can all agree on is that none of them are fuckable.

   People need to stop demanding respect and start earning respect.

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   Dear 11 year olds on Facebook, it's complicated? Really? What did he do, steal your animal crackers?

   Saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today. It gave me hope... for another Rush Hour movie.

   Dear Genitals, thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best. Sincerely, a man.

   $5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...

   It's always good to announce your break-up via Facebook. It's the easiest way to let her friends know you're available.

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...

   Do you think zombies have nightmares about necrophiliacs?

   Women are like puppies, if you hang around 1 for too long, eventually you'll bring it home & it will poop on everything you love.

   I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.

   All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall, lean in and whisper, "I'll do your housework."

   Women: On a bad day, there is always lipstick.