Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ♥ LOL JK, I have to pee.

   If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.

   "PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony

   My super power is making conversations awkward by constantly adjusting my nuts while you talk.

   I've been a HUGE fan of Bernie Sanders ever since he and Marty McFly went Back To The Future!

   Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I'll kill you.

   Females are simple bro: With them, Yes means Yes, & No means Yes, & No means No, & No means Maybe, but Maybe means Yes, and Maybe means No.....

   Dogs: This homework looks hard....Do you want me to eat it?

   I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!

   Flawsome: (adj.) an individual who embraces their "flaws" and knows they're awesome regardless.

   F*ck Valentines Day -- Who's ready for Deadpool, Zoolander 2, and The Walking Dead?

   Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.

   Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.

   Causing a scene runs in my family.

   Siri, how many calories does digging your own grave burn?

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.

   A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.