Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.

   Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.

   Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.

   List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....

   I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.

   Remember when you had an appointment and got to leave during the middle of school, it was so triumphant like "Haha bye you f*ckers, I'm going to get my teeth cleaned and then eat McDonalds. Where you at?!?!"...

   I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....

   Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.

   Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

   1944: 18-year-olds storm beaches, jump from planes, charge into almost certain death. 2016: 18-year-olds need a safe place. Because words do hurt.

   I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....

   There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.

   I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.

   Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.

   I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.

   It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....

   I just heard that Bernie beat Hillary. This is getting out of hand! At least Donald Trump doesn't beat women!

   Looks like Hillary got Berned in New Hampshire.

   Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

   Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.