Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... If you had to choose between voting for Hillary and getting shot in the leg ...... What caliber would you ask for?

   ... So .... Hillary earned more delegates in NH than Bernie after she loses by a landslide ..... It's such sweet Irony ... when a Socialist has to give the delegates he earned away to the loser!

   Looking for a job in my sofa, bed and surrounding areas.

   For those of you not getting the V or the D, Happy alentines ay.

   How To Prepare Tofu: Step 1. Throw it in the trash. Step 2. Grill some meat.

   My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.

   Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.

   Men: I don't always scream like a little girl. But when I do, it's because my wife just put her cold, undead feet on my body.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   They say money doesn't being you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....

   Inspirational Quote For Today: Drink some coffee, put on some gangster rap and handle it.

   How to be happy on Valentines Day: Don't expect a goddamn thing from anyone.

   Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco food truck.

   Each month has an average of 30-31 days....except the last month of pregnancy, which has 1453 days.

   Just found my coffee in the microwave for the 7th time today.

   Madonna is 57, her boyfriend is 24. Tina Turner is 77, her boyfriend is 42. J Lo is 46, her boyfriend is 28. Still single? Relax, your boyfriend isn't even born yet.

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year my wife and I will be celebrating... "Discount chocolate ovedose Monday....."

   Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ♥ LOL JK, I have to pee.

   If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.

   "PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony