Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship Goals: Wanna come over and nap?

   What People Care About In February: 99% -- Deadpool, 1% -- Valentines Day.

   When writing the story of your life don't let everyone hold your pen...

   I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   I find it ironic that Valentines Day is abbreviated as VD

   Sad News to Report: The inventor of throat lozenges has died.... There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

   If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 7 for $1 only

   Cleaning with dogs in your house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

   Remember it didn't start with gas chambers, it started with politicians dividing the people with "us vs. them". It started with intolerance & hate speech and when people stopped caring, became desensitized and turned a blind eye. This is America in 2016.

   This might be the worst online counseling site ever.

   .... If you had to choose between voting for Hillary and getting shot in the leg ...... What caliber would you ask for?

   ... So .... Hillary earned more delegates in NH than Bernie after she loses by a landslide ..... It's such sweet Irony ... when a Socialist has to give the delegates he earned away to the loser!

   Looking for a job in my sofa, bed and surrounding areas.

   For those of you not getting the V or the D, Happy alentines ay.

   How To Prepare Tofu: Step 1. Throw it in the trash. Step 2. Grill some meat.

   My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.

   Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.

   Men: I don't always scream like a little girl. But when I do, it's because my wife just put her cold, undead feet on my body.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   They say money doesn't being you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....