Funny Status Messages

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   Her: I was just swiping on Tinder. Can anyone tell me why I saw my boyfriend? Her: Stop asking what I was doing on Tinder, that’s not the point!

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.

   Sign at 7 eleven, gas is 7.11, “the prophecy has been fulfilled.”

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   The moment your gut says no, it’s a no. You can analyze the details later.

   I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

   Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.

   Do one thing every day that scares you. Text someone first. Ask your crush to hang out. Pick a fight with a raccoon. The only one stopping you is yourself.

   Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Me: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

   Her: So, I slept with 3 guys before I met you. Him: Omg Karen, I was only 20 minutes late.

   Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   Million dollar idea. Pizza toppings on the bottom, will call them Bottomings!