Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   Tell me how many bottles you have on your bathroom sink and I'll tell you how many women you live with. 20 bottles? Buddy, that's one woman.

   [enter new password] *CVSReceipt* [password too long]

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates

   "DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*