GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   I had a dream I was at work. I woke up and called in because I ain't working twice.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.