Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Five Things I Like Almost As Much As Driving My Boat: 1. Looking at my boat. 2. Talking about my boat. 3. Movies and TV shows with boats. 4. Websites with boats. 5. Bacon.

   .... You are entitled to NOTHING .... If you want something ..... Go out and EARN IT!!!!

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   "Superdelagates" might as well be available on Stubhub.

   By the time this is over Sanders won't know wheather to wind his watch or get a job.

   Bernie wii now feel the burn.

   Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.

   Everyone complains about the weather, but no one wants to sacrifice a virgin to change it.

   Seatbelts are very important, unless you are driving a huge school bus filled with children.

   My son asked me what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his iPod except for 1 song.

   Marijuana: It's not just for Hippies anymore!

   American Word Of The Day: Hoochie. My girl found another girl's number in my phone and yelled, "Tell me hoochie is, before I stab you!"

   It's weird to think that before Facebook and social media all these dumb thoughts stayed in people's heads = But that's none of my business.

   Take it from me: Don't try to redeem those "Free Blow Job" coupons after you divorce.

   Morning erections: Your body's way of saying "Battery charged 100% -- Unplug and play."

   Taylor Swift doesn't necessarily need 10 Grammy awards, when we have starving artists like Kanye West.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let my girlfriend sleep.

   You're not a model....you are just a white girl taking selfies in the mirror.

   "I watched the Grammys this week just to see Pitbull perform." --Said no one ever

   If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.