Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1399 of 6446

Dear Alcohol....... will you be my Valetine ?
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02-13-2016 13:56
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"My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.
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02-13-2016 11:12 by Snotty
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I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
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02-13-2016 11:11 by Snotty
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I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.
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02-13-2016 11:11 by Snotty
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Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!
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02-13-2016 11:09 by Snotty
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Ever Since the 80's , my little head has been affected with the "Seka Virus"
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02-13-2016 07:07
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Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos.
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02-13-2016 05:01
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Basic Women Problem: When all of your friends are having babies and you're upgrading to $20 bottles of wine.
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02-13-2016 00:15
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9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.
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02-12-2016 23:56
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Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.
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02-12-2016 23:45
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....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!
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02-12-2016 23:20
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Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.

As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.

I think about that Harry Potter line "the wand chooses the wizard" every time I'm reading a McDonald's menu.
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02-12-2016 18:56 by Snotty
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SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep
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02-12-2016 18:47 by Snotty
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My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...
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02-12-2016 17:26 by snotty
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When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend to need something, and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to keep things real.
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02-12-2016 15:30
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I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.
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02-12-2016 15:26
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Press 1 for English.....Who do I get? A Filipino speaking broken English....Sheesh! Hang up, try again.
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02-12-2016 15:23
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We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie.
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02-12-2016 15:20
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