Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1399 of 6446

I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous.
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02-13-2016 22:52
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US Surpreme Court Justice Scalia is dead, I certainly hope Obama nominates a Kardashian to the Supreme Court.
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02-13-2016 21:12
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.... OK .... Ya .... I'm a dude .... But I swear I'm not gay .... However .... I can't believe my Valentine's date is going to consist of cuddling up with a guy named Johnnie Walker and watching porn!
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02-13-2016 20:39
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The only thing I hate worse than holding my wife's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.
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02-13-2016 20:23
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Do pop music artists know about better music?
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02-13-2016 20:19
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Yesterday a friend asked me if I would like to go on a Valentine's Day date, but when I asked her who it would be with and if I knew her she got all pissy and stormed off. Another day alone I guess, I just can't catch a break.
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02-13-2016 18:45 by John Y
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Do country music artists know about better music?
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02-13-2016 17:08 by Snotty
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This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are.
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02-13-2016 15:26
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Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
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02-13-2016 15:16
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Dear Alcohol....... will you be my Valetine ?
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02-13-2016 13:56
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"My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.
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02-13-2016 11:12 by Snotty
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I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
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02-13-2016 11:11 by Snotty
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I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.
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02-13-2016 11:11 by Snotty
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Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!
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02-13-2016 11:09 by Snotty
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Ever Since the 80's , my little head has been affected with the "Seka Virus"
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02-13-2016 07:07
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Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos.
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02-13-2016 05:01
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Basic Women Problem: When all of your friends are having babies and you're upgrading to $20 bottles of wine.
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02-13-2016 00:15
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9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.
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02-12-2016 23:56
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Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.
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02-12-2016 23:45
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....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!
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02-12-2016 23:20
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