Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous.

   US Surpreme Court Justice Scalia is dead, I certainly hope Obama nominates a Kardashian to the Supreme Court.

   .... OK .... Ya .... I'm a dude .... But I swear I'm not gay .... However .... I can't believe my Valentine's date is going to consist of cuddling up with a guy named Johnnie Walker and watching porn!

   The only thing I hate worse than holding my wife's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Do pop music artists know about better music?

   Yesterday a friend asked me if I would like to go on a Valentine's Day date, but when I asked her who it would be with and if I knew her she got all pissy and stormed off. Another day alone I guess, I just can't catch a break.

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are.

   Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.

   Dear Alcohol....... will you be my Valetine ?

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!

   Ever Since the 80's , my little head has been affected with the "Seka Virus"

   Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos.

   Basic Women Problem: When all of your friends are having babies and you're upgrading to $20 bottles of wine.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.

   Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.

   ....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!