Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

   I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

   Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.

   Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason.

   The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.

   There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   All these 9 year olds with their iPhones, iPads, and laptops....when I was 9, I felt cool with new markers.

   Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.

   Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

   I came out as a lesbian to my best friend a few years ago, this weekend I'm taking her last name because I am marrying her sister. Screw my homophobic ex "BFF".

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.