Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1399 of 6452

Americans, fear not. If Donald Trump wins the upcoming U.S. election, Cape Breton Island is ready to welcome Americans looking for refuge in Canada.
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02-17-2016 14:17
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When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
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02-17-2016 13:31
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My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I realize I'm out of beer.
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02-17-2016 13:28
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Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
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02-17-2016 13:21
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"Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.
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02-17-2016 12:33
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I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class
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02-17-2016 08:42 by Snotty
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
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02-17-2016 07:08
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I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".
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02-17-2016 04:06
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Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.
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02-17-2016 04:01
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Bruce Lee doesn't drink water....he drinks wataaaa
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02-17-2016 03:58
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There's no better karate instructor, than a spider web in your face.
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02-17-2016 03:55
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I just shot my first turkey today....it sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section.
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02-17-2016 03:49
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New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.
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02-17-2016 03:46
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There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....
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02-17-2016 03:42
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Coffee Shop Sign: Unattended children will be given double espressos and made wild promises about what Santa is bringing them.
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02-17-2016 03:38
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If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" in the mirror 3 times....a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite drinks at Starbucks.
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02-17-2016 03:34
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I need a grub buddy. Kinda like a f*ck buddy, except when I hit you at 2 am you better be ready to stuff your face with me.
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02-17-2016 03:23
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How does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas? Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.
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02-17-2016 03:19
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National Drink Wine Day is February 18th....why is this not a stat holiday?
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02-17-2016 01:12
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