Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Subway: Satisfy your Valentine with a footlong.

   I hate when people say "I'm 24 and still eat mac n cheese"....Homie, there is no age limit to enjoy some quality elbow macaroni and fake powder cheese.

   Bernie Sanders found my Mom's iPhone and keeps Facetiming me saying he's going to pay for my college.

   Do you ever just look at your dog & get jealous because all they do is sleep, play, and eat....their biggest worry is when they are eating next.

   Attacking the rich is not envy, it is self defence. The hoarding of wealth is the cause of poverty. The rich aren't just indifferent to poverty: they create it and maintain it. This is America in 2016.

   Roses are red. I picked you a daisy. Will you still love me when you realize I'm crazy?

   I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes. I'm getting back 4 million dollars this year!!!

   Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?

   How single people will be celebrating Valentines Day: Sobbing, drinking alone, writing suicidal notes, calling their ex's, resenting happy couples, or enjoying every minute of not having to give a flying f*ck.

   Valentines Day: You give me the kind of feeling people write sappy novels about.

   Dear Girls: Happy Valentines Day!!! If a guy wants you to learn bodybuilding....it means you are the most important person is his life and he also needs a training partner.

   I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous.

   US Surpreme Court Justice Scalia is dead, I certainly hope Obama nominates a Kardashian to the Supreme Court.

   .... OK .... Ya .... I'm a dude .... But I swear I'm not gay .... However .... I can't believe my Valentine's date is going to consist of cuddling up with a guy named Johnnie Walker and watching porn!

   The only thing I hate worse than holding my wife's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Do pop music artists know about better music?

   Yesterday a friend asked me if I would like to go on a Valentine's Day date, but when I asked her who it would be with and if I knew her she got all pissy and stormed off. Another day alone I guess, I just can't catch a break.

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are.

   Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.