Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   I don't like who I am at buffets.

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"

   When someone is near the edge I like to push them over so they can begin their recovery earlier

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.

   Yesterday I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then she hugged me. FML.

   My phone autocorrects "Lil Wayne" to "LOL Wayne" - so I guess it's right sometimes.

   Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

   I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.

   My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   Girl Scout cookie season is specifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.

   KKK is part of the democratic party...

   (1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators

   am I the only person watching Fuller House waiting for Bob Saget to tell the daughters how he met their mother?

   I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words