Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1395 of 6384
"Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
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11-30-2015 18:46 by snotty
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.
Come on people! It's 2015...you should know by now how to NOT use the 'Reply to All' in an email.
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11-30-2015 13:51 by BoiseBoy
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disappointed what had happened on Black Friday! Fully condemned the action
If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your mom 3 glasses of wine.
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11-30-2015 11:47
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always a man drinking a Crush on a Monday.....never a man crush Monday
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11-30-2015 11:23 by Eddy
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I'm either going to go broke today, or save a lot of money...#CyberMondayProblems
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11-30-2015 10:21 by jwon
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Аliens would laugh if they knew the smartest spесies on the planet still kills each other over religion.
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11-30-2015 00:05 by Czovczov
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This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.
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11-29-2015 23:54
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I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Adele. Will I murder you? Will I buy you a puppy? You never know.
I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.
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11-29-2015 22:08 by snotty
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*arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"
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11-29-2015 18:13 by snotty
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"You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT
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11-29-2015 18:05 by snotty
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I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR
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11-29-2015 17:51 by snotty
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NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*
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11-29-2015 17:48 by snotty
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The Dallas Cowboys finally made it through a Sunday without losing.
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11-29-2015 16:39
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The Dallas Cowboys today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.
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11-29-2015 13:07
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Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.
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11-29-2015 12:41
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