Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be a twatsicle.

   I'm the type of girl, who can watch tons of horror movies without getting scared, but screams at the top of my lungs when the waffle pops out of the toaster.

   today boring you? Go outside and lick a strangers face....that should spice things up a bit.

   Camping is the answer. Who cares what the question is.

   I wonder how people used to receive their blessings before Facebook was invented for them to type AMEN and I RECEIVE

   Donald Trump is proof of how dumb Americans have become.

   A hangover is just your body reminding you that you're an idiot.

   Never ever trust a person who doesn't like dogs.

   A major shout out to hotel maids and maintenance people on February 15th.

   Lunch 11:35 This bible verse always keeps me going....

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a penguin. Have you ever seen a sad person who owns a penguin?

   Sesame Street: Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert.

   Kanye asking Mark Zuckerberg for $1billion on Twitter is like walking into an Apple store and asking to speak to Bill Gates.

   If Mom's Made Candy Hearts Messages: "Shut the door", "Let me finish my coffee", "It's wherever you left it", "I said...get your shoes on", "You're not hungry you're bored", "I saw that".

   Did you know chicken pot pie is my favorite 3 things?

   PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome.

   Scorpio, Libra, Pisces, Cancer, Virgo, Leo: Selfless lovers. There's nothing they wouldn't do for the people they love. Including hiding a dead body....

   Being a grown-up is stupid....let's build a tree house and throw water balloons at people.

   Spent $300 at a steak house last night... today, my poop does not look any better.

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.