Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1393 of 6447

So Clinton is barking like a dog now... how appropriate
←Rate |
02-17-2016 17:07
Comments (0)

Don't worry Paul McCartney, I have been refused entry into night clubs too.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 15:15
Comments (0)

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my Birthday, very nice. But misunderstood, when I said, "I wanna watch".
←Rate |
02-17-2016 14:47
Comments (0)

Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 14:28
Comments (0)

My favorite things about kids is that I'm not responsible for any of them.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 14:26
Comments (0)

10 year olds these days running around with their iPhones... When I was 10, I was listening to Aqua on my Walkman while struggling to keep my 2 tamagotchis alive. The struggle was so real!
←Rate |
02-17-2016 14:24
Comments (0)

Americans, fear not. If Donald Trump wins the upcoming U.S. election, Cape Breton Island is ready to welcome Americans looking for refuge in Canada.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 14:17
Comments (0)

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 13:31
Comments (0)

My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I realize I'm out of beer.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 13:28
Comments (0)

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
←Rate |
02-17-2016 13:21
Comments (0)

"Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 12:33
Comments (0)

I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class
←Rate |
02-17-2016 08:42 by Snotty
Comments (0)

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 07:08
Comments (0)

I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".
←Rate |
02-17-2016 04:06
Comments (0)

Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 04:01
Comments (0)

Bruce Lee doesn't drink water....he drinks wataaaa
←Rate |
02-17-2016 03:58
Comments (0)

There's no better karate instructor, than a spider web in your face.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 03:55
Comments (0)

I just shot my first turkey today....it sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 03:49
Comments (0)

New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.
←Rate |
02-17-2016 03:46
Comments (1)