Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever since I found those "Free Kittens" ads on Craigslist it's saved me a lot of money feeding my boa constrictor.

   What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.

   An American walks into a Canadian grocery store , walks up tp the Juice section and says to His wife, Hey, These Canadians put Raisins in their Grape juice.

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"

   And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   Q: How do you know your house was robbed by a black guy? A: When your house is robbed

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   If you think that a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of Elvis Presley, you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you are just a Catholic

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again

   My condolences to you and your family who's grandmother was actually ran over by a reindeer....I understand your grief, and the pain from the yearly reminder from the inconsiderate song....

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle