Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bruce Lee doesn't drink water....he drinks wataaaa

   There's no better karate instructor, than a spider web in your face.

   I just shot my first turkey today....it sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section.

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.

   There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....

   Coffee Shop Sign: Unattended children will be given double espressos and made wild promises about what Santa is bringing them.

   If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" in the mirror 3 times....a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite drinks at Starbucks.

   I need a grub buddy. Kinda like a f*ck buddy, except when I hit you at 2 am you better be ready to stuff your face with me.

   How does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas? Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.

   National Drink Wine Day is February 18th....why is this not a stat holiday?

   Whoever said "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again"....never shoveled a Canadian driveway.

   Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation's children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.

   When one of my friends leave I say "Stay Gold Ponyboy" and they just stare at me because they don't have no idea what I'm talking about.

   Carl Grimes could be the new mascot for the Oakland Raiders

   I'm as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.

   If there's a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?

   There are a million different ways to say "I Love You": "Put your seat belt on", "Watch your step", "Did you eat?", "Get some rest". You just have to listen.

   I've got two tickets to Crazy Town. Who wants one?

   Can I get 10,000 "Likes" for God is awesome?

   I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I'm basically a golden retriever.