Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense.

   So Clinton is barking like a dog now... how appropriate

   Don't worry Paul McCartney, I have been refused entry into night clubs too.

   The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my Birthday, very nice. But misunderstood, when I said, "I wanna watch".

   Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.

   My favorite things about kids is that I'm not responsible for any of them.

   10 year olds these days running around with their iPhones... When I was 10, I was listening to Aqua on my Walkman while struggling to keep my 2 tamagotchis alive. The struggle was so real!

   Americans, fear not. If Donald Trump wins the upcoming U.S. election, Cape Breton Island is ready to welcome Americans looking for refuge in Canada.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

   My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I realize I'm out of beer.

   Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

   "Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

   You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".

   Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.