Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gross. A stranger just smiled at me.

   My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   Stupid autocorrect always making me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're driving through a McDonald's.

   Some people are like clouds, when they go away, the day gets brigher.

   That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.

   Hey Obama, get your head out of your a$$, and start protecting the American people.

   Tonights orgy is canceled guys. Jerry has diarrhea...

   I knew my Girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Chelsea but Chelsea was laying right next to me. SMH

   The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer

   2016 New Year's resolution: Tell your wife/girlfriend (or both) that every time they give you a BJ, you are going to put a dollar in an envelope. At the end of the year, you will use that money to buy her 2016 Christmas gift. More money = Nicer gift.

   Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik dropped their baby off with its grandmother and told her they had a doctor's appointment. I guess technically, a coronor is a doctor.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... Four to speak to a customer service representitive... Press * to hear these options again.

   Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?

   Hmmm,,, Is there any way we can get Trump in a "Truman Show" thing where he thinks he won and is president,,, and we can watch what he does?

   "I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”This's brought you by a cashier who is afraid of losing their job.

   Don't blame God for everything that is wrong with the world. It's not His fault that bad stuff happens. It's Man's fault that bad stuff happens.