Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why did the semen cross the road ? Cause I wore the wrong socks today ...

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   If Bruce Jenner can keep his weiner and be considered a woman, I can keep my guns and be considered unarmed.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a little sister to play with." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Sure, send me your mom and wait about 9 months."

   When you're tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."..

   No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don't want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.

   Mothers: Please don't tell your little girls "He's only mean because he likes you" and then wonder why they grow up and marry A-holes.

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his cell phone, is it called an "elfie"?

   When I was a kid my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have and ANYTHING to play with.

   So I already have ADHD but I'm thinking on upgrading to ADHD 4K - it will be even more clear that I'm not paying attention to stuff

   Don't waste my time. That's my job.

   Anyone else see the ISIL talking about ISIL

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…

   The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK

   You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!

   When I was a kid, We were so poor the floor wasn't even lava,,, it was just kinda warm

   Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.