Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only in America, where the Feds can't find a missing girl or a missing plane but they can find a little sack of weed between a black person's a$$.

   I am really into CrossFit. I cross my fingers and hope I can fit my a$$ in those jeans.

   Personally, I don't believe in Bros Before Hoes or Hoes Before Bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

   If you're happy with any of these buffoons running for President you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.

   Why is Dr. Ben Carson still in the Republican presidential race? We don't need a crazy brain surgeon as our next leader.

   Me: can I have a large? Starbucks employee: you mean a venti? Me: can we not fu$&ing do this

   ... Woke up this morning and found a lump on my breast ..... was relieved to find out it's not cancerious .... Just my boyfriend refusing to let go!

   what makes Trump a winner? He isn't Obama, isn't that enough for the rest of the world who had to suffer through 8 years of hell to celebrate?

   Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   "How about we take this to my bedroom"....I whispered to my snacks.

   I think my girlfriend might have a problem, I asked her to toast some bread for me. She said, "Here's to bread, may it always be in our stomachs" as she swigged another mouthful of wine.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I'm at the liquor store.

   If I owned a taser, I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself. That's why I don't have a taser.

   Now that Valentines Day is now over, time to refocus on what's really important. Prepping your liver for St. Patrick's Day.

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   I gave up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as "Free Food".

   Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   Kinda want to text you, kinda what to block your number.

   Sometimes poeple want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.