Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...."Who ties your shoelaces for you?"

   Dear Pringles, I'm no longer a child and cannot fit my hand inside your tubes of deliciousness. Sincerely, Everyone over 8 years old.

   Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.

   It's not always about sex, sometimes the best type of intimacy is where you just lay back, laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other, and enjoy each others' company.

   I got 99 problems and money could solve at least 73 of them.

   I didn't sleep well last night, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I got to work and realized I forgot my car.

   I'm just going to put an "Out Of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   Chicken is better than that girl who said she will die for you. Chicken actually died for you. Chicken is true love.

   Definition of a Male Best Friend: A person who opens his mouth just to insult you.

   Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

   Fact: 99% of men watch porn, 1% is lying. 1% of women watch porn, 99% are lying.

   To those girls wearing too much makeup....Whoa calm down, it's a face not a coloring book.

   Most great musicians die young, unfortunately we're going to be stuck with Kanye West for a while

   If you're on vacation in some exotic place, just be cool and post 1 or 2 pictures a day. I don't need a rolling archive of your hipster Cambodian holiday while I'm watching 'Making A Murderer" alone on the couch.

   For fun, I steal all my married friends phones and change my name to "Brandy from the club"....then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3 am.

   My ex girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter....

   My parents didn't ever actually teach me how to be an adult. The only things I learned were to hoard plastic bags within plastic bags and that whenever there is a person in your house you feed them.

   LIfe is simple. Be yourself. Find something you would die for. Be loyal to those who deserve it and tell the rest to go f*ck themselves.

   "The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.

   Shoutout to all the girls who are curled up in a ball in their bed waiting for that goodnight text. Go to sleep, cuz he doesn't love you....