Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Haven't kids learned how fast a picture can travel around the internet by now?

   Being in the doghouse isn't so bad if there's enough beer in the bowl.

   Could you imagine knowing someone interesting enough to actually want to talk on the phone? Me neither.

   If you live in a trailer, you know a guy.

   I have no idea when the new Star Wars movie comes out because I have sex.

   Just heard someone on the porch, hopefully this is just a home invasion and not some unexpected company

   I remember a happier time… Like when I was still sleeping.

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

   You know who hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   If you put Isis and my ex gf together all you going to see is pure evil

   Why did Adele cross the street? To say hello from other side

   This LAUSD situation reminds me of Die Hard 3. LA better watch the the financial district and lots of dumb trucks

   Statistically men think about sex every seven minutes… for about six minutes

   Dear History Channel, The Mayans were wrong.. We are not dead.. Everybody is still here. Please adjust your morning programing accordingly..

   I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler..."

   to wife: I told you I would fix it soon, there is no need to remind me every six months!!!

   A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

   You make me want to be a better nobody.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   If I had a My Little Pony for every time a girl rejected me I'd have the My Little Pony collection I currently have.