Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just an FYI, whether I know you or not if you're a guy and you send me a friend request and your profile picture is you in a mirror shirtless mmm bye bye.

   What's the shelf life of an Elf on a shelf ?

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My Mother in law Joined ISIS this morning.. She leaves tomorrow on a suicide mission.. At least that's what the papers I just signed said ..

   That moment when ya reach down t'ween your legs to pull the handle to slide your car seat forward, but it won't move, so you keep try over and over to only realize that from the outside it probably looks like you're vigorously humping your own forearm

   Why is it that a lot of the people who think everyone is too easily offended these days act like you just insulted their mother by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?

   I'm not bragging, but I wear the same size earing I used to wear in Junior high ..

   Some idiot posted spoilers and totally ruined my Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip experience

   Wait... what? Han is now gay and that is why Leai goes on the suicide mission where she dies?

   If I don't catch you sniffing a pair of my panties, are we really even cousins?

   ♪ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   If you like Star Wars. Your Special. Will you fix my Computer!!!!??

   Am I crazy or a ...?!

   Star Wars is out Bar Scene is dead Thanks a lot Harrison Ford.

   to anyone who spoils the movie, you'll feel my Han...Solo

   You know someone's having a little too much fun at your party , when they mistake your dogs Kong for a buttplug .

   If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me

   Do the villains in Scooby-Doo know they have the right to remain silent?

   From the Paris Climate Change Conference: Santa is required to put solar panels in the stockings of naughty kids.

   I have no problem getting S3X...the tough part is deciding which hand to use.