Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can't even finish the joke because they're laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people.

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   Oh hi Becky, who refused to kiss me during Spin The Bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play Candy Crush, looks like the tables have turned.

   I'm not a morning person, heck I'm not an afternoon person either, I pretty much start fuctioning at about 6 pm.

   That moment when you realize you might have made a mistake letting your 5 year old watch The Walking Dead....

   Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went....I'm just happy I got out alive!

   When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment .... NOW I consider it a mini vacation.

   If y'all hate the Republican candidates so much ...... why don't you find some better candidates?

   ..... Of course I talk to myself ... heck .... Sometimes I need expert advice!!!

   Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.

   Friendship is so weird, you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again.

   According to Bernie, no one working a 40 week should live in poverty. According to those who built America, no one living in poverty should just work 40 hours a week!

   You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can always control which window you throw them out of.

   People say Cookie Monster sets a bad example and contributes to childhood obesity. Cookie Monster says people need to stop using cookie loving puppet as excuse for bad parenting.

   Don't be ashamed of who are you. That's your parents job.

   If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it's like the trash took itself out.

   Are nap dates a thing? Because that's something I can work with....

   Some days I have everything put together....some days I spit toothpaste in my hair.