Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steve Harvey got high with Colombians and made a mistakes.

   Anyone at the self checkout you get an employee discount

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands? So not sexy.

   In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Hillary Rodham Clinton

   Steve Harvey officiated my 1st wedding... he was SO wrong!

   In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.

   I don't even think it's possible for a bear to cook porridge.

   It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   If $ex is a pain in the a$$ you're doing it wrong, that's not what that hole is for. . .

   While at self check out... "Do I get an employee discount, now?"

   OK...WHO PUT TURBOLAX IN MY COFFEE ? I had Other crap to do today !

   All I want for Cristmas is to go to Walmart and there be no people

   lamophobia is the new Race Card.

   Saying there is a huge azz line at Wal-mart is both ambiguous and redundant.

   * Throws dart... ME: Let's vacation wherever this dart lands... * Dart misses map and lands in kittylitter box... ME: OK,,, Mexico it is then

   Huge spoiler here....... Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. I know, right?!?!?

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11

   Teach your child what's going on in the world by telling them Santa was killed in a drone strike in a no fly zone; or he's being held up in the vetting process.

   That Star Wars movie was BS! No Capt. Kirk! No Spock! No Scotty....Not even the Enterprise...😡