Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So it's Hump Day and it isn't raining or snowing, does that mean it's a Dry Hump Day?

   A man mixed his wife's ashes with fireworks....so she could light up his life one last time.

   Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

   A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

   We are all mature adults until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.

   I went to Denny's. I ordered poached eggs scrambled sunny side up over easy. The server spontaneously combusted.

   I had a dream last night that I was taking selfies with Hillary Clinton... and then I started shooting an AK47 in my kitchen at absolutely nothing. Never eat burritos before bed.

   ..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid ....

   I can't wait for Trump to start writing executive orders, payback's a b****

   The doctor said, I need to drink more whiskey....also I am now calling myself "The Doctor" now!

   I don't understand why people pay big money for a colon cleaning when they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck!

   An UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on beer cans instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me.

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   Does anyone else clean their phone on their boob or is that just me?

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.

   My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds", so I stabbed him. Now we wait....

   Women plan to look so hot at their wedding that their "something blue" is everyone's balls.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   Fact: The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.