Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   All the M&M's in this bag are dead...

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   Saves lives each day... because there are people out there that need to be shot, and I don't shoot 'em!

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.