Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steven Tyler's mic stand has so many scarves on it that I always thought he was just screaming at Johnny Depp and trying to strangle him.

   know what my New Year's resolution is going to be. But I'm not going to share it in case I fail so I won't be held accoutable by anyone but me.

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and digiorno, there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice as well.

   American Police Force giving ISIS a run for its money in the brutality department.

   My ex got me arrested cause I used to sit outside her house all day. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't, I just had her WiFi pass.........

   Clapping is just high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

   At some point a man realizes he's better off with a sane 6 or 7 than a crazy 9 or 10.

   I hate it when people ask me "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?". I mean, seriously, I do not have 2020 vision!

   My New Years resolution is to never make New Years resolutions!

   I literally have no idea what day it is...zero

   You ever wanted to post something but just didn't know what to say so you just didn't post anything

   You're so old, that when you were young, rainbows were black and white.

   Hillary is a super good person and would make a fantastic president not to mention a great piece of azz.... said no one EVER.

   True,you do sign up knowing you could die as a Seal. But,when Hillary signed up to do her job she failed and covered it up with lies

   Why regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted...

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

   You don't see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don't see psychics winning the lottery every week.

   Opinions don't affect facts, but facts should affect opinions, and do, if you're rational

   Judges 19:22-30New International Version

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.