Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why the hell should I have to opt out of something I never opted in? Why should I have to unsubscribe from something I never subscribed to in the first place. This is how serial killers are born.

   If you hold down the "Like" button, you can now leave different kinds of reactions and create so much more drama in people's lives who take Facebook too seriously....

   Everybody always asked the wrong question "Where's Waldo?" The real question is why is Waldo hiding?!?! Was it for Child Support?? Kidnapping?? Murder??

   My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80's song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.

   Why the f*ck you buy your kid an 18+ video game and then blame the video game industry for the content?

   Get chased down by 83 angry wasps or replacing your toilet paper with steel wool. You choose your awesome Sunday adventure....

   Let's all hear Donald Trump's rendition to Adele's hit song "Hello".

   My life goal is to buy white jeans and spill grape juice on them.

   Who wants to babysit for the Duggars' and the Romney's at the same time?

   Sundays: Kinda wanna workout, kinda wanna eat loaded cheese fries, kinda wanna nap for five days, kinda wanna get my life together by 2:39 pm on Thursday.

   Dear liver, the weekend is almost over, hang in there little one. Love you.

   What's my type? Someone who's supportive. Someone who comforts me when I need them. Someone I can curl up and relax with. Oh great, I'm describing my bed again.

   The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.

   I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.

   Me laughing: I don't drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.

   My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

   Loneliness is very dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people while working at any gas station.

   Sorry kids, you're definitely not getting any inheritance. All that money went towards the booze I needed to put up with you.

   I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."