Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back seat drivers are all the same. It's always "This isn't the way to my house.", "Why are we going into the woods?" and "Stop the car and let me out."

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will track you down and you will pay. You have my Word.

   I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"

   "Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?

   just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"

   There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it

   Quiet Riot is putting the band back together! First stop, Trump convention.

   I poured his heart out and it evaporated. FML

   I'll never understand why cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly would it be protecting its eyes from?

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors and furniture polish contain real lemons?

   Chicago has proved exactly how tolerant the left is towards things like free speech, open debate, and open elections.

   Put down my club? Oh, you meant vote?........I thought Bernie wanted a Revolution?

   This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.

   Donald Trump is Making America great again, one riot at a time

   The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.

   I must have drank more than I thought last night...there's an entire hour that I don't remember!

   It's wierd, when my pet elephant comes into the room.. nobody talks about it.

   A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you at Golde

   Just the thought of you slurping down noodles really rustles my jimmy....

   He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.