Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   Just got a Facebook "confirmed friend request" email from the bar I got kicked out of a few weeks ago. That means I'm allowed back in, right?

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

   'Tis the season when we buy this year's gift with our next year's money...'

   This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you'd be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   This lady in front of me has more coupons than groceries!

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   I think the best thing about being in the house of a hoarder is that you can take stuff home with you and they would never even notice.

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn Facebook into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.

   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.