Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Trump has been running his pie hole for the last four months. And this has been one of the warmest winters in years. Coincidence?

   Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.

   Last year, 44 Americans were shot by ''Muslim terrorists''. By comparison, 52 Americans were shot by toddlers. Which raises the question: Why isn't the government doing more to protect us from toddlers?

   Leonardo DiCaprio just won another Golden Globe award. But it ain't no Oscar.

   It would have been symbolically more accurate if the Vikings still played in the metrodome considering they both collapsed under pressure........

   It's almost impossible to find a good cream pie recipe on the internet that doesn't involve getting naked first.

   I don't know about you but this girl from Liberty Mutual Insurance talking about her car "Brad" she had for four years and how it outlasted three jobs and two boyfriends really sounds like a winner!

   If I hit the powerball this week the first thing I'm buying is a pot to piss in I've always wanted one of those

   I wonder if girls at the University of Alabama call their periods the "Crimson Tide"

   If I win powerball, first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy,Ain't none of these hoes getting that money

   It's like...pizza is the perfect food if you have a dog. Say the dog watches you while you eat, like he's begging. So just give the crusts to the dog. He'll think he's getting his way.

   I’ve never had a safe word, but most of my partners have used distress signals.

   No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.

   Someone in Walmart just bumped into me and my IQ dropped ten points.

   In hell, you're served sugar free jam on burnt gluten free toast with decaf coffee.

   My middle finger wants to talk to you.

   I think we should hear other voices.

   If you win the $1.3 billion powerball, remember the little people. No seriously, remember the midgets, they probably couldn't reach the counter to order tickets

   Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time

   Ann Coulter was just diagnosed with testicular cancer.