Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying!!

   I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   I'm not an alcoholic. I am just a freelance quality control assurance man, for the beer industry...

   The French think we Americans are fat. They may be right, but obviously our dental plans are better.

   Like an old wise man once said, Be like a duck, calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath....

   The greatest feeling in the world is when your girlfriend tells you, you're better in bed than her husband. . .

   No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   Well ... Considering his past record ... My biggest worry about Donald Trump is that ... even if he actually proves to be a great president ..... I am still very concerned that he could still leave us for a younger, prettier country...

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.

   First rule of Cuddle Club: It better lead to rough sex or you're out of the cuddle club.

   Kanye West should give his baby son back to hospital because he hasn't learned to say "Kanye" yet.

   My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist

   Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks.

   Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

   When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.