Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well waking up naked, covered in Chex Mix is not how I planned on starting my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.

   Has your credid card ever been frozen due to suspicious behaviour? "Let's go over your recent transaction history...it seems like you have been to a lot of bars lately." F*ck, don't judge my Monday nights....

   If you apply yourself it's entirely possible to keep your opinion to yourself and just shut up and vote............

   Question -- Is blowing your HR rep considered to be an ethics violation?

   I have an agressive hickey on my shoulder from a Trump supporter and it actually hurts. Please help!!!

   Just realized that since Leia is technically a princess and Kylo Ren is her son and Star Wars is owned by Disney....Kylo Ren is literally a Disney prince.

   Our office went out for the first time to celebrate the fact our Trump supporter coworker got fired.

   Minding my business and leaving yours alone.

   Fun Fact: Prostitution exists among some animals too. They prostitute themselves for things like stones or food.

   After 12 years of public education, I still don't know how mortgages and taxes work but hey at least I know about the cells inside a f*cking leaf. Thanks America for an excellent education.

   If you line up all your ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

   Why Women Cry: 1) Sadness. 2) Happiness. 3) ??????.

   Donald Trump has no political experience whatsoever. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management level position at Chilli's.

   Things that give me anxiety: 1) Everything. 2) People without anxiety. 3) Trump supporters at his rallies.

   How To Drink A Perfect Martini: 1) Pour gin, vermouth, and olives into....the trash where they belong. 2) Drink whiskey.

   I like my women, how I like my laptop, on my lap, turned on & virus free.

   I always text "I'm on my way", as I'm still naked in bed.

   If Republican candidates would stop calling them "Rallies" and start calling them "Job Fairs" they wouldn't have the problems like the liberals in Chicago started.... Just saying!

   Why is "Trump" and "Cruz" understood by some Americans, however those same Americans still don't know the difference between their, there, & they're.

   Donald Trump could be a huge step forward in race relations. He can be a voice for the orange people.