Funny Status Messages

   I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste.

   If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart

   some girls beg, and some girls borrow. some bring joy some bring sorrow. but the best girls suck and swallow

   I don't know about sexual healing, but trust me, sexual resurrection does NOT work....

   We were so poor that we had to stand out side of KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

   Trump will be President!....I'm just seeing if I'm right on my Facebook memory. Thanks

   If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...

   Plot twist: you can't play the guitar on the MTV, gotta work for money and chicks aren't free.

   Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.

   My 3 year old can speak 60 words a minute... With gusts up to 90

   Plans for the weekend? Lie in bed and move just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

   I'm always a lady, but when I am mad, I'm an evil sadistic demon witch from hell that'll make you wish you were never born....and when I am happy, I bake cookies and cupcakes.

   Springing forward sounds way more fun than it is.

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks.

   No babe, don't send me the nude pictures. Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet. I'd like to know what kind of psycho I'm dealing with...